It's Four Minutes to Four

[mnemehoshiko]

...am. HI INSOMNIA PLEASE LEAVE.
my mother is awake. I suspected she would be awake.
The stuff in NZ is....utterly unsurprising and i hate how utterly unsurprising it is. I want to exist in a non-politicized manner. I want my existence to just not Be A Thing. I crave anonymity in a room. I can never have that.
I'll always be too dark, too muslim, too "foreign"-- which is hilarious because i'm probably more "American" than most people in the room but alas it's not to be. I hate it.
I want to work without thinking, hmmm is this actually benefiting my community??/if i just get my phd and like leave academia am i letting people down who could of considered it?
And I know people will be like "omg ur not responsible for others" but that's also a depressingly well "white" response. Because there...are not a lot of me. Sadly, seeing yourself can have a huge impact on retention etc etc.
 
I have a 3 hour drive tomorrow to go to my departments retreat. At the moment, it is absolutely the last thing I would like to do.
Sadly, i've already been paid for so i have no choice.
I just hope i don't cry in the car or anything embarrassing like that.

I miss Dr. P.S. He would be good to talk to about this. But he's in Ithaca because yay family and having the right priorities. I just feel so...isolated right now.

Comments

[incognitajones]

I hear you. I hope the retreat grants you some space & peace.