mnemehoshiko

i'm so so tired. I'm not dead, which is good. Also COVID free to the best of my knowledge. I'm moving in 6 days. I am so so not packed for it. I hate that i'm being rushed and thus i have such little control that I'm so so frazzled.

I got a postdoc which is good! I'm behind on this which is not as good.

I'm moving home in 6 days and i have no idea when i'll move to where my postdoc is physically. I feel like i'm going mad but also I'm melting due to all the heat. I can't focus and I need to focus. I have a grant to write and RFFA to edit and a manuscript to put together and just--- I want everything to Stop for a bit so i can rest/sleep/i have no idea but something to make me feel a little less unmoored.

I want some stability in my life. Something that's mine and my space and i know that i'm not going to have that for the next few months till god knows when.

I went to visit my baby brother last week. High chance that i won't see him till 2021 at the earliest.

I'm so so angry how my country has handled this. I feel so so powerless and terrified. I'm angry at how the university are so so invested in capital gain they're willing to throw their workers under the bus.

I haven't written in months.

This is the first time i've put my thoughts down as words. i want to say it's cathartic but it's just sad.