mnemehoshiko | Entries tagged with mneme: a life

*strums guitar* it's been awhileee

anyway, not dead? Yay.
May not have a job in a month and a half which is
very much Not Yay.
Long story short, got on to my boss's boss bad side and thus she threw me into a PIP in spite of performance improving because....why not 😐
So when I'm not trying to go above and beyond at work? I'm job hunting/applying....in a garbage job market.

So I'm basically in a Constant State of stressed, tired, and scared all the time. It's....not great.
I'm exhausted and just overall not great.
I promised my baby brother that if I wasn't going to be seeing a therapist that I would at least start journaling again...so here I am.

Still a fuck up. Whoo

i was on the blue hellsite today and scrolling and someone was posting awareness about Palestine except the included a video from the hospital bombing and i saw a blanket with four babies lying across it. their eyes closed. covered in ash and burns and something inside just broke. four babies not even the length of my fucking arm and they're dead. because no one gives a fuck.
i hate this.
it's cruel. it's genocide. and i'm complicit in it because my taxes help fund these crimes.
it feels incredibly hopeless.
i live in a world where even the mildest mention "hey maybe ethnic cleansing is bad" is something that can literally get me fired/doxxed or worse.

a landlord in Chicago this week, after being indoctrinated by the news, went and stabbed a tenant and her child. the tenant was a Palestinian-Muslim woman, the child was 6 years old. just a week ago, evidently the landlord was giving him toys. this week he stabbed that same child 26 times because he felt that he was a threat.

my mother mentioned breaking out the curling iron again in case she needs to stop wearing hijab for her safety. it's horrible that we're coming to this. i don't know how this is going to end beyond yet more death. more fear. and i'm tired.

i just want to live in peace.
i just want to live.
i don't know if that's feasible anymore.

In other news, probably getting a paid DW account which in theory implies that I should post more often but we will see.

(also hi hello i'm not dead just stressed and without Adderall since the beginning of the year UNTIL TODAY)

or hello ambition my old nemesis~
A list of creative ambitions/aspirations I have for this month.

Work
- Getting the introduction for project 1 paper completed

Approach:
Told my boss I would get the draft of the introduction to her this coming Monday! Which means that's what my focus this weekend is!
I also have to put together a poster so this is good on two fronts.
I really should make a flowchart of the steps needed because I go into decision paralysis again.

- Cover letter practice
Approach:
Epi bestie gave me a copy of a cover letter book, so going through that. My goal is to get 10 apps out this month. *claws face off*

- Data Viz practice
Approach: I want to do Tidy Tuesday regularly! Problem: I am a perfectionist and that actively hinders me. A lot. So my goal is to allot myself 45-60mins to make a visualization. The goal isn't depth but breadth and to improve my existing github portfolio.

Writing

- Write for 15 days (yes, I am behind but this post counts so there) for getyourwordsout.
Approach 1: Work on revising original piece that I entered into a competition. It got clobbered and honestly rightfully so because I was a bit too subtle on genre but I got some friends to give feedback and now I need to implement it.
Approach 2: External GUILT because I am awful at internal motivation. Looking at fandomcalendar comm for inspiration and planning on at least doing 3 drabbles for kanthony week. Also doing comment_bingo because I need to comment more and I gamify everything in my life

- Write up reasoning for why my chara for None the Wiser deserves to multi-class into wizard for my DM because I love giving reasoning and she is somehow balancing two campaigns and she doesn't want them to clash incorrectly.

- Make a rec post.

Approach: This is partially because cortue is a deeply inspiring human being who is?? Organized?? about things?? And I feel bad randomly inflicting my likes on others in a non-organized fashion. Yes, this is very much a Me thing. We're working on it.

- Make an intro post.
Approach: I am trying to become more organized and I want to use dw more so *shruggles*

Crafting
- I'm still working on my TKGA Level 1 thingy and I stalled for a few months because I didn't wanna work on my essay bit but I am back and I'm going to get back to working on it because I would like my submission binder to be done by Sept. T_T
Approach: well I said I wanted to catch up on netflix?

hallo it's insomnia time but i am not dead?
so win...win?

i'm so so tired. I'm not dead, which is good. Also COVID free to the best of my knowledge. I'm moving in 6 days. I am so so not packed for it. I hate that i'm being rushed and thus i have such little control that I'm so so frazzled.

I got a postdoc which is good! I'm behind on this which is not as good.

I'm moving home in 6 days and i have no idea when i'll move to where my postdoc is physically. I feel like i'm going mad but also I'm melting due to all the heat. I can't focus and I need to focus. I have a grant to write and RFFA to edit and a manuscript to put together and just--- I want everything to Stop for a bit so i can rest/sleep/i have no idea but something to make me feel a little less unmoored.

I want some stability in my life. Something that's mine and my space and i know that i'm not going to have that for the next few months till god knows when.

I went to visit my baby brother last week. High chance that i won't see him till 2021 at the earliest.

I'm so so angry how my country has handled this. I feel so so powerless and terrified. I'm angry at how the university are so so invested in capital gain they're willing to throw their workers under the bus.

I haven't written in months.

This is the first time i've put my thoughts down as words. i want to say it's cathartic but it's just sad.

- DID 5 LOADS OF LAUNDRY
- HUNG DRIP DRY THINGS TO DRIP DRY
- DID FINANCES LOGGING
- STARTED MARI KONDO'ING CLOTHES
- CUT OLD SHIRTS INTO RAGS FOR RAG CURLS
- ATE AN ENTIRE BAGGED SALAD

THINGS I AM GOING TO DO BEFORE SLEEP HOPEFULLY
- FOLD SOME OF THE CLOTHES
- PUT AWAY THE CLOTHES I FOLDED
- FINISH AN RFFA EDIT (i'm so sorry i've been bogged by work T_T)
- FOLD TOWELS
- PUT AWAY TOWELS
- TAKE NIGHT MEDS

*sighs*
i was partially productive but it could have been BETTER =_=

I hung out with cohort mate's wife this past Saturday! She's 5 months pregnant??? And so tiny?? It's their first and I need to figure out blanket colors and such for them. We went to Med Deli and got lunch--which then led to an upset stomach which I really really hope was due to the tzatziki and not like any other gastro issues-- and then went back to their place for Netflix.
I know I live a Life of Excitement and Thrills

in retrospect, I WISH I HAD KNOWN WE WERE GOING BACK TO THEIR PLACE, i could have brought some knitting with me. T_T
we watched the first episode of Midsomer Murders which is a typical Idyllic English Countryside Laden With Secrets and Murder show....with 19 seasons. So like I HAVE A NEW KNITTING SHOW. Then we watched an episode of One Strange Rock which evidently was hosted by Will Smith but also had like a bunch of astronauts who together totaled 1000(?) days in space across them....which is cool.
Evidently, the Amazon....has a river above it which is hella cool.

I fucking love nature documentaries. THIS MAKES ME SOUND LIKE A MIDDLE AGED MAN BUT WHATEVER RIVERS IN THE AIRRRRRRR

i was going to recap my weekend but I decided to a order a normal pizza in spite of the fact that
- I'm mildly lactose intolerant
- I'm gluten intolerant
Consequently, I am now full of body aches and stabby pain which i am stating here as a reminder for my DUMBASS SELF that we should not do this

I haven't left my apartment since Thursday which in retrospect is probably a sign of like maybe we're a little depressed and should get more natural forms of sunlight and like idk walk a little.
On the bright side, since I like made mass thing of fake!chicken, I can just add that to my fake!jollof rice and black beans and voila, a meal.
I think i'm going to walk to Johnny's today? It's a coffee shop I love but haven't been to for awhile because it's so fucking far in Carrboro but I think? I feel up to it today?

There's little bit of a lull work-wise, so I can

get this fic edit done
get some work reading done
get a little bit of my writing done

Okay, I have eaten. Time to get the fuck out of this apartment.

Current Mood: tired

my nose....is now stuffy
THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!!

Current Mood: cranky

RECAP FOR GYWO IN JUNE

# of Days Writing: 12
Total # of Days: 22/120

# of Words Written: 7,272
Total # of Words Written: 11,437

( natterings beneath )

Goals for CREATIVE DAY

- Eat food (preferably three meals worth)

- Start and finish RFFA piece
- Stay awake after D&D
- Do AT LEAST my underwear laundry-wise
- Start casting on the blanket

...am. HI INSOMNIA PLEASE LEAVE.
my mother is awake. I suspected she would be awake.
The stuff in NZ is....utterly unsurprising and i hate how utterly unsurprising it is. I want to exist in a non-politicized manner. I want my existence to just not Be A Thing. I crave anonymity in a room. I can never have that.
I'll always be too dark, too muslim, too "foreign"-- which is hilarious because i'm probably more "American" than most people in the room but alas it's not to be. I hate it.
I want to work without thinking, hmmm is this actually benefiting my community??/if i just get my phd and like leave academia am i letting people down who could of considered it?
And I know people will be like "omg ur not responsible for others" but that's also a depressingly well "white" response. Because there...are not a lot of me. Sadly, seeing yourself can have a huge impact on retention etc etc.

I have a 3 hour drive tomorrow to go to my departments retreat. At the moment, it is absolutely the last thing I would like to do.
Sadly, i've already been paid for so i have no choice.
I just hope i don't cry in the car or anything embarrassing like that.

I miss Dr. P.S. He would be good to talk to about this. But he's in Ithaca because yay family and having the right priorities. I just feel so...isolated right now.